My time as a NICU mommy; or, as I sometimes like to say "How did I ever make it through that?"

So, last time I promised that I would share with you about my time as a NICU momma. This is that post.

My time with Rana while I was in the hospital recovering from her birth was easy, comparatively speaking. I was able to pad down the hallway to the NICU and see her any time I wanted. I could hold her tiny body, skin to skin, and doze lightly in the big kangaroo-care chair, my feet up and leaned back as far as it would go. I could also forgo the need to worry about eating on a regular basis because food arrived, in my room, at regularly scheduled intervals. I had all the chocolate pudding I could want, and my bed had controls for the lights and the television. It was pretty comfortable, outside of the pain of my incision and the seemingly endless cycle of pumping.

But then it was time to leave the hospital. I didn't want to - I wasn't ready to be separated from my baby by more than a few walls.

It TERRIFIED me.

But we went home anyways. Without my sweet girl. I left her with nurses and doctors to watch over her while I was away. But still, I couldn't resist the pull to be physically present with her as much as allowed.

So I went to the hospital every day, most days from early in the morning until 8pm or so. I was fortunate to have had my mother-in-law staying with us at the time, because I wasn't allowed to drive for a bit. She would drive me up to the hospital and pick me up. Also, she helped keep the house from getting overrun with laundry and kept Creed from starving to death (or from spending every last cent we had on McDonald's "comfort food"). She also did numerous other things, which I cannot hope to recall the specifics of, but I know that she was there, and she did them. I am so very grateful for all her help - we could not have made it through without outside support.

However, even with all that help - it was still very difficult. I was trying to finish my first semester of Graduate work when my preterm labor started. By the time everything had settled, I was way behind. I had what was arguably one of the biggest term research papers I had ever attempted weighing down upon my every waking moment. I was stressed, and tired, and so very sad. I struggled to stay awake while reading my textbooks and research, and I valiantly tried to maintain some kind of facade so that everyone didn't have to see my heartache.

But I'm pretty sure they did anyways.

You see, no matter how hard I tried to keep it together, I just wasn't myself. Tears were never very far away. I told myself that I didn't have anything to cry about, because Rana was going to be fine. She would be home just as soon as she was ready. I also told myself that I shouldn't cry because it wouldn't do anything or anyone good. But none of that mattered to my aching heart. I longed to hold her at night. I wanted to be able to kiss her small hands and cheeks, and to smell her sweet baby smell - whenever I wanted. I was so very sad to be separated from her.

The answer to the question "How did I make it through that?" is the same as it always is - for me, I just put my head down, keep going, and remind myself that everything has an end. If it turns out anything other than what you wanted, you look for the bright side and make plans to adjust. You don't dwell on what might have been or what might still be. You do your best, and forget the rest. That is how I survived our time in the NICU.